Girl – do you ever feel like you have a million and one irons in the fire on any given day?! And if you’re the people pleasing type like me, you can feel guilty for ever saying no or setting a boundary!
If you’re tired of always saying yes and regretting it later on, pull up a seat + listen up , mama, because I am going to take you on my little deep dive and realization.
This has been a main thing I am working on lately. The realization came after I told my husband, “I don’t know the difference between me wanting to do something or doing something because it pleases someone else.” NOT knowing the difference in this can become unhealthy REAL quick- it made me hit a wall. I stopped there to reflect because it was so apparent that this was my every day life. SO, I started to do some serious digging to understand my enneagram 2 heart.
Enneagram 2 is The Helper or The Giver – so to describe this at it’s healthy level, the “people pleaser” in me is 100% genuine. I love my people HARD. If I love you – you know it! I love that about myself but I put a lot of pressure on myself to ensure that I am meeting the needs of others. If I feel like I cannot physically and mentally take care of my people, I feel like I am letting them down and disappointing them which causes me extreme anxiety. I am so happy I have realized this about myself but it is a journey to overcome. Can you relate?
I listened to a podcast of a friend the other day and she used the phrase “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.” Ever since then, I keep hearing this phrase over and over (no coincidences here). I knew, it is time to live this out and write about it. This phrase was meant for me, in this moment of growth.
You see, this motto is great in theory, but now is the time to get intentional about living it out. I found myself saying yes to things because I felt so badly saying no and didn’t want to hurt anyone. As a wife, mother, and friend – I wasn’t the only one suffering. Others can be effected by your “yes” behavior.
It would give me debilitating anxiety when I would say yes but didn’t want to actually say yes. When you do this, you live solely for the approval of others. You are letting others dictate your mood, your schedule, and your life. The feeling I would get from the fear and anxiety of saying no was extremely unhealthy in my case. Fearful I would let someone down even if that person was disappointed for 5 seconds. It ATE at my core. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I did not know how to take control of it.
I have come to realize that saying no is self-care – not selfish. It is not inconsiderate and does not mean you do not care. When self-care gets ignored, your stress will likely increase. In my case, it was EVERYTHING. Self care means taking care of yourself without delay. That means it will require some effort and acknowledgement.
A friend sent me this and I had to add this here because it is SO true —
Fear can stand for:
It means that what we fear rarely happens.
Is Sally going to be upset that you didn’t come over for a cookout, maybe. Is she going to get over it in 10 minutes, PROBABLY! Does that mean you don’t love Sally? No.
Some people don’t like it when we start to create boundaries and say no, but they will likely come to respect you for it.
By not setting boundaries, we teach people how to treat us. Without them, relationships can become unhealthy for all.
So let this be your reminder today: You are NOT a bad person for saying no and setting a boundary! You are simply positioning yourself to be able to give 100% to the things you say yes to.
Girl, if you’re ready to lose the guilt and feel excited about things again, let this be the reminder and encouragement you need to say no to things that are not in alignment with your values and boundaries. Do this so that you don’t have to waste another moment ‘pushing through’ a commitment that your heart is not truly a part of in the first place.
Because your one life is far too important to be filled with things that are not *truly* important to you or fill your bucket in that moment. It’s not selfish.
Personally, truly living this motto out is going to take me a lot of time, space, and experience. But seeing a daily reminder to make decisions based out of abundance and not guilt has helped me get me where I want to be a little bit faster.
I hope this resonated with someone today!
Love you much –