It’s not the easiest to come out with your own insecurities to help others with their own – here I go, as I try to be transparent raw and real with you all. I pray this encourages you and gives you some joy today.
Recently I have been thinking a lot about insecurities and how one of my fears is that my daughters will see my insecurities and those insecurities will become their own. My daughters will not carry unworthiness, self-doubt and inadequacy because I did. My biggest prayer for Ella when she was born was that she would be confident, out-going, and social. Some of the things I struggled with when I grew up–I want my girls to thrive in that area. Be careful what you pray for – my girl is a confident spitfire, but she’s the sweetest.
Let me preface this with the fact that I realize not all insecurities are physical image – but I am going to share two of mine in hopes you can relate and get to know me a bit better. You can have inward and outward insecurities both in which we try to “cover up.”
In college, I had a lot of insecurities. I was trying to figure out who I was just like everyone else that age– but there are two things that really had a handle on me. I remember in college a guy actually saying “You would be so hot if you didn’t have such a big nose.” UGHHH dagger in the heart. Not what a 20 year old wants to hear as they are wanting approval from everyone in the south. That guy must have been visiting from University of Alabama. An Auburn gent would never—JK (War Eagle) I remember tearing myself apart to friends and always pointing out how big my nose was over and over again in hopes that they wouldn’t talk behind my back because I was so open with it. I still struggle with this from time to time but a lot of “heart work” has claimed confidence over this. Claiming and embracing my Italian features people – that’s that!
Insecurity #2- I will never forget going into the dermatologist with no makeup on. I wore sunglasses in the waiting room. (The sun never sets on a bad-ass, am I right?) I was mortified to finally see a doctor with raw, bare skin in order to have an answer to what was one of my biggest insecurities. I have very dark coloring around my eyes. To me, this isn’t a “oh you have some dark circles under your eyes because you are tired, kind of thing. This is a dark pigment that I have had for a long time. It has been hard to cover up, but I cover it up like pouring cement onto a new sidewalk. I was vulnerable, searching for answers and was shot down by a doctor that barely gave it a second look. They told me to invest in some makeup because it was genetic and it could be a whole lot worse. The doctor basically told me this with one foot out the door. He didn’t give me 5 minutes. My biggest insecurity was disregarded by a medical professional and crushed me because it was really important to me and not to him.
I immediately drove to the mall, still bare faced but now covered in tears–sat in the Bobbi Brown chair in the middle of the mall, and told them my story. They literally treated me like a wounded dog on the side of the road. I spent a small fortune at the Bobbi Brown counter that day. Those girls knew they were going to reach their monthly quota when they saw me walking into those glass doors. I laugh now, because I would not be caught dead without makeup in the mall today but sometimes vulnerability rules. Long story short – I wore my new makeup that next day on my road trip to Auburn where I met my now husband. So funny how God can turn our pain into the biggest gifts in life.
Bare with me, there is meaning to sharing all of this. I still have extremely dark eyes. When I am dehydrated, they are worse. When I eat poorly or do not sleep appropriate hours (HA!), the darkness gets darker. It is something I will always battle, continue searching for remedies and cover up. When I am on family vacations and choose to have no makeup on that morning, there will be without a doubt a brother that says “Wow, your eyes have really gotten dark.” Brothers, being brothers (they are the sweetest- don’t get me wrong) People are just used to me covering it up –I wish this was my only insecurity, but it is not.
Finally to my point- if I ever want to get rid of my outward insecurities I need to take full responsibility for them. If we own up to them, we acknowledge that they exist and then take action for how we will deal with them. I literally “cover up” my insecurity. Do you cover up yours? Do you cover them up mentally or physically?
Covering up the surface of our insecurities only causes more problems beneath the surface. Covering up my skin, does not help the pigment. It is still there and the hormones and genetics will be there forever. I think we have gotten SO use to covering up insecurities and focusing on our image that we forget to dig deeper and address what’s going on with the inside. I get mad at myself for even caring about my image. We can run to the makeup counter and cover it up, or we can address what is going on in our hearts in the first place.
We can address what really tears our confidence down, eats away at our faith, and distracts us from the importance of life. It has become way too natural for us to make the surface look really pretty and perfect. It has been natural for us to make it look like everything is perfect- everything is okay. I am encouraging you to break through any obstacles in life by not maintaining the surface but digging very deep within you, what’s under the surface. In doing so, it has helped me build confidence and not seek approval of others in order to gain confidence. This is the sole reason I was even able to create this blog and share/connect with you all.
If I was sitting here acting like I am over every insecurity, I would be lying. I just love sharing with you what is on my mind and how I am taking action on it. My dark eyes, are used as a small example of an outward insecurity. I still cannot stand that I feel that I cannot go one day without covering them. I am working on that! My journey and my prayer is to uncover raw confidence that I have been striving for since I was young- the reason why I prayed Ella would be confident. I strive to own my insecurities instead of covering them up. When I own them, I can defeat them and build the confidence I strive for. There is a reason why we have insecurities- what is the reason behind yours? Where does it stem from? There is always something under the surface.
As I have started a blog, I don’t want to be the reason that a woman thinks she has to live behind a made up version of herself, a fake Instagram profile, to live with fear of judgment, live to cover up the surface, and live to be someone they are not. My reason for writing, my reason for brain dumping every thing I am struggling with or anything on my heart, is to encourage that woman reading my blog to wash her face, take off the mask, show her true colors and love doing it with confidence, grace, and purpose. If I do this – it requires me to do the same.
What makes my insecurities go away when they are on the surface? I obtain the courage to do the “heart” work and fight the lies that tell me to cover them all up so that nobody can see. Maybe you don’t have dark circles- maybe you struggle with marital issues, family problems, mental health, maybe you struggle socially, maybe you have cellulite, baby weight, acne or whatever else the WORLD has deemed to be imperfect. I believe that if we dig into the inside, and what is making us not feel “good enough”, these insecurities will be nothing more than an image that is seen as confident, pure, and real. We will finally peel back the layers and see ourselves how God sees us.