A new season is fast approaching and I am not certain I am prepared for it. Recently I have been in a “rut” one might say or some may call it a huge “WOA IS ME” moment. The narrow road that I have been on for the past 5 years taking care of my babies is suddenly widening and twisting.
Next year I will have all of the girls in school for the first time. And granted, I get it- the twins will be in pre-k but Mama is in her feels which means you all get to feel it with me. Lucky you! Maybe this change is heightened by the fact that my youngest two are twins, so I am sending both of my babies off at once. Perhaps I am over thinking it- Perhaps I am creating a mountain out of a molehill. Or- perhaps the feeling that this is a pivotal turning point in my life as a stay at home mama is in fact, spot on.
Regardless of what I am making of this change, comes with the ever changing dilemma of “who am I” – its crazy how many times we can revisit this as a mom. Not to mention the questions I make in my head where people ask “what are you going to do with all of your free time?”
As my babies have gotten older and grown, so have I. I am not the same person I was when I gave up my teaching job and leadership role. I am no longer the career obsessed 8-5 professional I once was. But with that comes with this fear when they do go off to their sweet schools, I need to be someone else. My mind immediately felt that “obviously I need a full time job to fill my time and define myself again.” Who am I?
Heart in THROAT.
I am sharing this because being a mom brings SO many chapters, emotions, and feelings. My blog has covered my chapters from the twin’s birth story to now. They all carry their own challenges but each one holds its own place. It all belongs.
Now that my babies will be in school the chatter in my head replays “well, are you going back to work” and it hits me like a ton of bricks each time. I am so beyond aware of the blessing these past years have been. I got to be there every day with them. I also love that it gave me the flexibility to build a blog and a small business but I really put pressure on myself to do MORE. I am always thinking I am not enough. So, with this change, its magnified. “What now?”
The “more” in my mind, was an 8-5. Why? I am not sure.
Maybe I was letting society define what “more” is for me. Maybe I am worried what people will think if I DON’T go back to an 8-5 and all of my kids are in school. I wasn’t giving myself this room to create my own.
A full time job may just be the answer for me next, I don’t know. But my point is- Sis, more can be whatever you make it. “MORE” is on YOUR terms. I think I felt “off track” thinking we were entering a new chapter and I let fear walk right in my door. I sobbed, I projected my fear on my husband, I got red face, heart racing, just scared. Then, I quickly realized, there is no “track”. This is my life. Your life is going to ebb and flow. Your life is going to twist, halt and speed up – there is no way to change that.
Guess what? It ALL belongs.
You are not a robot. You are not a mold. You’re a human. Be alive to IT ALL.
We always hear “never settle, keep grinding- never give up.” Have you ever thought that we get so obsessed with never settling that we forget to get settled? We forget to calm down or to know when good enough is enough? It’s all a lot of PRESSURE.
We are afraid that when we “settle” it equals failure. I am not saying that we shouldn’t want more or we shouldn’t grow or challenge ourselves. If you know me well or have followed for a while you know I am all for growth – BUT we need to know when its time to be content and satisfied, and that it’s okay to just live your life without pushing yourself into FEAR of not being ENOUGH.
My problem lately is, I let this get to me and I got in my own head. I am not a perpetual problem in need of fixing. Time to stop beating myself up + time to start giving myself grace. Can you relate?
I am going to look around at what I have built and feel satisfied while navigating a new chapter. It may not be perfect and it may not be what others would be satisfied with, but the beautiful thing is, it’s YOURS. It’s got YOU all over it.
Be kind to yourself Mama & do what makes you the best YOU- because at the end of the day, thats what makes you the best for your people.
Take the pressure off of yourself.
Enjoying what you have isn’t settling.
It is letting yourself SETTLE IN.
I am approaching a curve in the road, unable to see what lies ahead. So I continue to hold on to these spring + summer months where we have life as I fully know it. I feel a sense of loss thinking about days without them, but I have a tingle of excitement as I look to the future and explore the person I am becoming. Whoever that person is, I want to make my girls proud.
I will figure out this next chapter + so will you.
Love you all xo
(anyone taking applications? lol)